I Betrayed My Best Friend


I have a confession to make today…

There’s a big secret that I’ve been keeping for the last four months.  Something I haven’t told many people outside of my family and a few close friends.  It’s something that has changed a core part of me, has made me a bit more self-conscious because I don’t fit in with my peers as well as I used to.  It’s also possible that I’m wanted by one or several law enforcement agencies.

Because I betrayed my best friend.

That’s right.  I betrayed him and I stabbed him in the back.  Then I left him for dead and haven’t seen him since.

Yes, that’s right… most of you have probably guessed it by now.

Four months ago I quit drinking coffee.

**Bomb Dropped Noise**


In reaction to this revelation, some people might say, “This is stupid, Dave!  Why would you try to get us all riled up thinking that you murdered someone?  It’s just a drink.”  To you people I would say, “How DARE you say that coffee is just a drink.  Coffee can be anything it damn well wants to be when it grows up.”

For those who have been following me for a little while, or have gone through some of the archives, you know very well how much I used to LOVE coffee.  Unfortunately, I fell victim to the ups and downs of caffeine addiction; some days I would have no coffee, some days I would have one cup, some days I would have three (read: five), and on top of all that my pre-workout drink also has 120mg of caffeine.  The wild fluctuations in the amount of caffeine I would consume daily led to a lot of headaches, and I was taking Advil almost every day for a while there.

I thought that this was totally fine until one day I was hanging with my friends and they let me know that, “Dude, no, that is TERRIBLE for you.”

So I thought that maybe I’d try quitting coffee cold-turkey for a week to see if my headaches went away, and voila (pronounced ‘voo-eel-ah’) no more headaches.  That week was the last time I had a single drop of coffee.

Now if you’re thinking ‘Wow, Dave, great for you, I bet you’re so happy that you don’t have anymore headaches,’ you are, unfortunately, incorrect.  If you’re thinking, ‘Wow, that sucks Dave, I bet you wish you never found the reason for your headaches because then you could just combat them with Advil and you’d still be able to drink coffee every day,’ then you’re god damn right I do.  But such is life.

I still miss my friend coffee – the smell, the taste, the hiss of the Keurig spitting out subpar brown liquid on weekdays, the mad rush to get coffee from a good cafe across the street on Saturday mornings before the awful caffeine headache set in… it sure did feel good to be a part of something, didn’t it?

So how do I write, still, without coffee?

Honestly, it’s been hard – the only thing that writers love more than coffee is talking about how much we love coffee.  So not only do I not have coffee to drink anymore, I can’t even write about drinking it for fear of being exposed as I fraud.  I mean, what am I going to do, compose a ballad about GREEN TEA?!?! (Actually I love Green Tea – much less caffeine and super good for you – great replacement for coffee.  Pretend I didn’t say anything).

Anyway… yeah.  Sorry, Coffee.

My plan was to try a new coffee shop around DC every single week now that I’ve started writing full-time.  It would get me out and about – to increasingly more distant parts of the city as the tradition continued.  It would give me fresh inspiration, something fun to look forward to, more stuff to post about (I could even give each place my own amateur ratings).  Without coffee, though, my plans have changed, and we’ll be doing a fun but awkward tour of DC coffee shops and telling the barista the same thing every time: “I’ll take your finest tea, sir,” and then giving them a score based on how appropriately scathing the looks they give me are.

But so be it!  We’ll forge our own path.  My very own ‘Tea Tour of DC’s Best Coffee Shops, Which Absolutely Makes Sense,‘ coming right up.

26 comments on “I Betrayed My Best Friend”

  1. I’m that rare creature who drinks neither Coffee NOR Tea.

    Actually, I’m fine when it comes to food, but I’m basically the pickiest beverage drinker in all creation.

    I also don’t drink dark sodas, hops, wines with too many tannins, tequila, or ouzo. That leaves me with Sunkist, Mountain Dew, vanilla ‘chai’, and chocolate to get my caffeine. And between being prone to hypoglycemia and an antibiotic induced lactose intolerance a couple years ago — hot chocolate or vanilla chai’s started sugar crashing me in about 20 minutes.

    You know what I recommend? 7-9 hours of sleep a night. 😉

    1. Wow – you weren’t joking, those beverage choices have to be rare haha. I think your recommendation works, though – 8 hours is my goal. I think the act of having these drinks is more a ritual for motivation if anything – if only I could convince myself that water helps me write

      1. I enjoy me some hard cider, when I indulge. But often? I’ll fill up a cup of water and tell myself I can’t take a social media break from my writing until the cup is empty.

        (and bribe myself with a chocolate truffle, when I’m done)

  2. I’ve never actually been able to drink coffee. I can’t stand the taste no matter what you do to it. I’ve always done tea and, thankfully, have never gotten dirty looks when I order it. Maybe the baristas in Florida are less judgmental…. or they’re better at hiding it.

      1. I tried a frapuccino exactly once and I’m fairly certain I have diabetes as a result. Far too much sugar. I’m actually a big fan of green tea and will usually get that iced since I live in Florida and hot drinks aren’t a thing. I’m also a fan of Chai Lattes because I’m also a basic white girl at the best of times. My sometimes go-to when I’m feeling fancy is a “passion tea, no water, sub very berry hibiscus” from starbucks.

  3. If you like Green Tea with ‘less caffeine’, could you manage decaffeinated coffee. Or am I being sacrilegious here? I don’t drink either so I’m not one to judge these things.

    Any more than I guarantee the results when people want me to make a pot of coffee at work. You get what you get.

    1. People keep egging me onto decaf, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I do like the taste, but it’s still a ‘what’s the point?’ situation. Maybe a bit of a sacrilegious suggestion, but I won’t tell anyone haha

  4. I drink tea but allow myself one coffee per day which I savour. I wonder if you’d considered a good quality decaff? I’m not a ‘mule’ trying to sell you something which may satisfy your ‘loss’, just curious as to whether you’d overlooked it as an option? I stop caffeinated drinks from 6pm and will have a decaff, spiced chai in the evening in place of hot chocolate, ovaltine or Horlicks (old-fashioned, milky drink before bed brigade here!)

    1. I’ve never been able to bring myself to try decaf – it just feels wrong ;-). I think the one coffee a day rule would work, but the problem is that with the caffeine in my pre-workout drink I’m already up there. Hot chocolate could be a great evening/nighttime replacement, I might have to try that!

  5. Okay, first and foremost, I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE BACK.

    I’ve never really liked coffee all that much. I do like tea but I always get hot chocolate when I go to a coffee shop to write and it ends up telling my brain I want to write. You could get a special ~writing drink~ and try to convince yourself you feel motivated. I’m not telling you to replace your best, but sometimes you gotta move on with your life, you know? :p

  6. I can’t drink plain coffee, too strong and …yuck. But, I love lattes.

    While I’m saying congratulations on kicking coffee to the curb, I’m thinking … you’ll be back 🙂

  7. I consider myself a coffee man. I love it.

    That said, they changed to coffee here at work. Instead of plain old fashioned coffee, they brought in some artsy stuff that tastes like it was put together by some sheepherder that hasn’t washed his hands in a month, and then took some poison ivy he found along the side of trail, and mixed it in with something that comes out of the south end of a northbound deer.

    Now that’s one way to turn me into a tea drinker.

    1. Hahaha I think that description is enough to convince me that the replacement coffee is truly terrible. It sounds like you need to lead a revolt! Give me a well-brewed cup of plain black coffee and I am happy (or at least, I used to be back when I drank it all the time). We’d be happy to have you join the tea-drinking ranks any time!

  8. I think I can’t quit drink coffee…in my opinion: there is correlation between brain productivity and coffee, although I’m not a writer haha…
    Few years ago, i drank about 3/4 cups/day, and i felt more and more tired each in every single day, and from that moment i know i had to reduced, so I cut into 2 cups/day. Now i only drink 1 cups/day and that only in the morning, and hot chocolate on night, but less sugar.
    So….Good luck for u ^^ By the way, this is my first time read your blog, great post ^^

    1. That’s about the 10th recommendation I’ve had for hot chocolate at night, which I think settles it for me – I’m going to have to try it immediately

      And thanks so much for the kind words! Hope you enjoyed.

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